Me… mental health, faith journey, love, and again, me.

Trigger Warning

From my past few posts you can see that I am pretty into Jesus yeah? You can see that all I talk about is Him. The thing is, I love Jesus and He gave up His life for us, for me. All because of His love.

Love… Something that I am very iffy about, something I cannot wrap my head around. This world we live in now, it doesn’t demonstrate love very much. My parents divorced when I was 2, both got re-married, mum to an abuser. I didn’t get how you could lay your hand on someone if you loved them? And how could you let them do that? Growing up was a constant battle, if God loves me, where is He in this situation, is what I constantly asked myself. What could love possibly mean? Everytime, to this day I absolutely love going to my grandparents house, my Grandad and Grandma are both still in love with eachother. The way my grandad talks about his wife is just so beautiful, the love that he has for her always makes me cry. I had a conversation with my Grandma a few months ago, and she was telling me about their relationship and how much love theu have for each other, and I think she realised that I wasn’t used to it because she apologised for what I went through and that what I grew up with wasn’t normal or okay. Maybe this is why I have relationship issues, because it is hard for me to understand why people can treat me well and actually stand being around me. I never understood what “love” was until I fully realised what Jesus did for us all.

So I now have a thing where I love to tell people how much Jesus loves them, He willingly went through an excruciating beating and died on the cross so that we can have eternal life by having a relationship with Him. I am always in complete awe in everything God does.

I am not here to say I now have it all together because I don’t at all but I am slowly getting through each day with Jesus by my side. I used to get full blown panic attacks when I thought about my mum’s ex or when I saw him, I used to get flashbacks all the time that resulted me in a complete mess and again in a full blown panic attack but now I have resources to help control them, and now when I see him, I get a tiny bit anxious then remember that God didnt give us a spirit of fear and God is so much more bigger than all of this, so I do not need to be afraid.

Depression…I am on antidepressants, and this is now the first year in 6 years or so that I havent talked to a professional (councilor, psycologist ect) on a weekly basis and fair to say it is a massive change and I am kinda on edge about it all. I haven’t self harmed in a few months which is the longest I haven’t done anything for in about 5-6 years. The other night I was in the shower and I was just feeling so numb, and all I wanted to do was press a blade to my skin, all I wanted to do was cut once again. I then had a battle going on inside of me, I was yelling out and crying, I was yelling for satan to get lost and that God has got me in the palm of His hands so he cannot deceive me. As much as I didn’t want to, I then started to sing (with my terrible voice) songs to praise and worship God. It took a while not going to lie before the urge to hurt myself stopped.

I still struggle, I struggle constantly but so does everyone else but the difference now is that I have the victory over each battle, God has won every battle that lays ahead of me and I just have to stand firm in my faith, it is not promised that it is going to be an easy battle. So now when I am faced with challenges, I know something great is about to happen. God has the upper hand in everything.

My whole life I have been in a constant fight with life, living a constant lie, pretending everything was okay but in reality all I wanted to do was die which is just terrible. Now I have discovered my identity in Christ, I know that I am loved, I am valued, I am priceless, I am beautiful, I am made right with Christ and I am happy. I love to help others, especially those who have or are experiencing similar things that I have gone through, I have discovered my purpose and living life with Jesus by my side, so in other words to the fullest.

I am also currently in a dance ministry called eleven88 and I have been in it since it started, from this I have discovered a family, and I am now a leader in it which is just so amazing. We have done such incredible things that would not be possible in the natural (without God), and this year we have such a full on year that is just so exciting and I am so ready just to spread God’s love through dancing.

A few goals of mine for this year, only naming a few as I have possibly over 50 I want to achieve this year.

1)I want to go to the Hillsong Conference in Sydney as my favourite preacher (Steven Furtick) is going to be there, and he is a main person that has impacted me in such a great way, his series Death To Selfie was a massive turning point for me, so to be able to go see him would be incredible.

2) More tattoos (I already have 3 and am getting more in a few days time).

3) To impact many people, to be able to help people and be there for them.

4) To make new friends.

5) To grow in my faith everyday, to be able to spend time with God every single day and not get too “busy”.

This is just a bit about me, I want to be completely open and vulnerable, to show that I do not have it all together but God is love, and through Him I have found happiness.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10

Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done.
Psalm 105:1

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