On the verge of a meltdown

So let’s be honest, I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately. It’s been pretty bad, I’ve been breaking down randomly not knowing why and I’ve just been struggling with myself. I’ll be crying at work while sweeping the floor, holding back the tears while washing people’s hair or going in the back room trying to not faint. I’ll be trying to sleep when all of a sudden I start crying and screaming, or I’ll even be in the shower and then again I’m just bawling my eyes out, with no idea why. It’s quite funny actually because I try and help other people deal with things, I tell people how loved they are and how much they are worth. I tend to contradict myself, how on earth could I “preach” things that I myself don’t even practice. Lately I’m learning to “practice what I preach”, I love to love other people but do I even love myself?

So as I’ve said, I’ve been struggling quite a bit, and I had said something to my friend, along the lines of “praise God, He is so good” then I really thought to myself, “can I still praise Him when this is how I am feeling”. So I remembered the story of Job, how everything was taken away from him, his family, his land and he started to get really sick, this man was a man of God, and he fought til the end, He continued on praising God through all the suffering He had to endure, but then came a time where he was angry at God. I feel him, because me too have been angry with God. When I don’t understand His plans, I get so frustrated, I want to know why, I need to know why for everything.

Why don’t my whole family get along? Why am I like this, so angry, upset even jealous? Why did all the abuse happen? WHY WHY WHY?!

Maybe you can see that I get a bit frustrated, I am not perfect at all. I struggle with anger, I have a lot of anger inside of me that I’m learning to deal with the right way, instead of hitting [brick] walls as I used to do. Without this anger though, I wouldn’t have the need to want to help people that have been abused, that have been in an environment of abuse. That have been treated wrongly, without this anger I wouldn’t want or wouldn’t care about people the way I do. I try to express my anger in a good way but it is so hard.

For so many years I have held onto this anger that I had against all these people who knew what situation I was in and my family was in and didn’t do anything to help, or pretended not to know what was going on. I was so confused and hurt by my own family, even my mother for letting this happen to us. It took me so long and help with my old counsellor to realise how much my mum would have gone through, all these thoughts in her mind, she would have thought she was protecting us, after all when he was getting angry at me she would always try and take it from him. I couldn’t understand what was going through her mind. I couldn’t understand why she would let herself get hurt in front of the kids, but then I put myself in her position and realised that obviously she didn’t want me hurt so she always risked herself in the process. And she was terrified to leave the relationship. After I was able to actually understand why she did what she did, how tough her position would have been. I was able to let go of that hurt and forgive her.

There are so many things that I hold on to that I know I just need to give over to God, I don’t know what is holding me back from doing so, I know how freeing it will be, I know how different I would be and I still don’t get why I won’t.

I love going to the Bible and putting myself in each person’s shoes, how they react is so different to how my first response would be. At the moment I have been reading about Moses, and how even though he had a speech impediment, and how he thought he was unqualified to do what God had asked him to do, he still did. He went to the Pharaoh with Aaron demanding to let God’s people go. There were plagues sent, all these crap things were happening but Pharaoh’s heart was so hardened that he wouldn’t let them go. “When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” Exodus 13:17 How often do we run back after we face a problem? Sometimes taking the longest route, is the best option. Maybe your detour is not actually a detour at all but it’s a road to make you stronger in faith.

“The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and he provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night.” Exodus 13:21 God hadn’t left them or forgotten about them, He lead them all everyday, but what really gets me is this, they would have had to keep watch of the cloud until it moved, they were just waiting expectantly on God. He provided them with food and water, He provided their every need. So why do I worry?

““The Lord is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.”Exodus 15:2

There are so many people in the Old Testament that are so inspiring, how strong they are and how much faith they had even when they didn’t know what they were doing it what was going on. They trusted in His plan and in Him, the King above Kings and the Lord above Lords. The Creator.

I am trying to remind myself of God’s promises and of His unfailing love for me to keep me going. People will fail you but God will never. Though I can’t see His promise come to pass just yet, I know it will and I will praise Him as if I have recieved it now. So to answer my question about if I can still praise Him in my situation. I can. God has got me this far and He ain’t done yet. He’s provided for my every need, He has taken care of me and I know He will continue to provide.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord , the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1‭-‬2

“The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;” Psalm 121:7

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6

Most of this may not make sense as I’m writing this half asleep. Things may not be looking the way I had hoped it would be but I know that it is all going to be alright. The thoughts that are going on in my mind is not God’s thoughts and is not how He sees me. I gotta start really looking at myself at how God sees me and realise my worth, which is really hard when my first initial thoughts are always “you are pathetic”, “you are worthless”, “you have no future”, “you are not good enough”, “you are a terrible leader and dancer” Can you tell that these thoughts are Satan’s lies whispering to me to prevent me from listening to God’s plan for my life?

Anyway, stay blessed y’all and I’m off on 2 new adventures in the next week that I will journal everyday to show y’all what I’m learning. So keep a lookout for next week!!

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