I dreaded opening my eyes, but I ended up having to get up, the sun was rising. Exhausted and annoyed, I didn’t want to have to go to do this training for my internship. All I wanted was to stay home, in my bed and cry. But unwillingly I still got up and got ready to go to Wycliffe for Partnership Development training. I had no idea what I was in for or what it was even about, all I knew was that I was going to be there from Monday to Thursday and then on Thursday night fly out to Darwin for orientation for my internship at Youth For Christ, and again I had no idea what I was in for.
Arriving at Wycliffe at Kangaroo Grounds, anxiety filled me up and I didn’t know what to do apart from hide how I was feeling. I walked into the classroom where I was greeted by such lovely people and everything that I was feeling fell off me. Over the 4 days I was there, I had made such good friends with the people there and I have learnt so much, more than I thought I would. Everything I learnt I actually needed to know so I could apply it for eleven88 movement and for myself. One person there opened up to me and shared a bit of his story, little did he know that I really needed to hear it and little did I know God wanted me to learn something from his story. Forgiveness. If you read my last blog, I am pretty sure I mentioned the fact I have been struggling to forgive and to let go of my past. If I didn’t mmention that, that has been a massive issue that I’ve been struggling with lately. That night after he started a bit of his story, I did my devotion and guess what it was about? Forgiveness. Really God?? For years I hated, I honestly absolutely hated when people talked about forgiveness and when people said that we need to forgive, just as Christ has forgiven each one of us and took our punishment on himself upon the Cross. It’s taken me so long to actually let that in my heart. Like how can I forgive someone who has been physically, mentally and spiritually abusive for 14 years? Someone that was supposed to represent as a”father”. I couldn’t understand. Lately God has been trying to teach me to forgive as He has forgiven me. I know once I forgive all the hurt I’ve been through, I am going to be a different person. I won’t be weighed down.
Wednesday afternoon/night came. After a big day of learning and filming, I ended up going to the Chapel that they had at Wycliffe. So I just spent time praying, really intimately praying. I just spent what felt like eternity just resting in His presence. In September eleven88 including myself, we are going to the Philippines. So I was really praying about that as well that He would just let it be shown that this is what I am meant to do. If it is that He will just really provide a way for it all to work finacially. So then after that came “God’s telemarketer call”. Lately I have been getting all these calls from these telemarketers, I usually ignore them but this time I didn’t. I just had to answer. So after this lady was trying to get me to sign her up, I had interrupted her and told her to stop talking and I asked her simply “Do you know Jesus?” and she replied with “Yes! I am a Christian” This was not the response I was expecting, I was expecting for her to say no and the I could share the good news. But that didn’t go to plan so I asked her what church does she go to. And this is where I am in shock. She proceeded to tell me that she lives in the Philippines. So then I had this opportunity to tell her that I was actually going there with eleven88 and explained what we do, then she asked me what church I went to, “Planetshakers” I said confidently. Then someone was present whilst I was on the phone call and she was telling me to mention Youth For Christ. So quicky I told her that eleven88 is a part of YFC and then she started telling me that she used to be part of YFC in the Philippines. Sorry what?! By this stage I was gobsmacked. What the heck was going on? The tone of her voice radically changed, from the start of the phone call which was all mono toned to then being super excited and so passionate, she gave me her name and details and wants to help us out. Again, sorry what?! So this literally shook me up, thank You Lord.
6:30pm Thursday came and I got picked up along with some other people involved with YFC off to the airport. Sadly saying bye to the people I had met and wished them well in their ministries, I got into the car. What am I in for? I constantly asked myself but at the same time super excited to be leaving Melbourne and going to Darwin, which is one of the most beautiful places in Australia. Nervousness and excitement filled me up. I posted on facebook telling people that I actually got a one way ticket there, surprisingly a lot and I mean a lot of people believed me. Which actually is something that I am considering doing soon. But we will see where God takes me. Arriving in Darwin after midnight with a massive change of weather warm and humid, I was wrecked. So we get to the YWAM base there and so many memories flood back into my mind and I feel peace. Getting kind of settled in, I fell asleep and drifted off into a ‘peaceful’ sleep. First day of orientation comes! There I find myself again overwhelmed and confused about everything (I’m not too well in a crowd of people that I don’t really know) so on the inside I was panicking like crazy. Everyone was super kind and loving. I also reunited with a beautiful girl that I had met last year at conference, so that sort of changed my mind setting. Then we had worship, oh how beautiful that was.
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God” -Reckless Love
What felt like weeks being in Darwin, only ended up being really 3 full days. The people I had just met felt like I have known them for a lifetime. I felt so free, I felt peace, I felt God’s love and God broke me from the inside out. It’s time to let go of the brokenness, the lies, the hurt, the fear and the unforgiveness. It’s time to let Jesus heal every single part of me, every messy little thing. I am finally going to fully surrender.
His sacrificial love is crazy, it is unbelievable. Over the weekend whilst being in Darwin, God was telling me to just let go and surrender, I cannot deal with everything alone and in my strength. He reminded me of His love and He reminded me that He has such bigger plans for me, bigger than I could ever dream. I am alive for a reason. I shouldn’t be alive, I really shouldn’t but here I am. Still learning to just wait in His presence, still learning to surrender every part of me and still learning my worth.
I kept looking down at my scars, all these crazy scars on my body, covering my arm and thighs. To others they may look ugly and ridiculous but I see each scar as a victory. A victory that Jesus won for me. He carried me through each battle and His gentle whispers got me through each night. I see them as a reminder that nothing is impossible with God, He makes the impossible, possible. I see them and I am reminded of His promise.
By His wounds we are set free.
For a whole week, I was surrounded by His beautiful creation. By nature, something man did not create. I found myself looking out admiring each tree, wow, He designed each tree, every specific detail, He created, like us… How wonderful are Your works God.
This year is going to be amazing, it already has been unbelievable. I find myself excited for each day to come, I’m no longer desperately wishing for everything to end, I’m no longer begging for God to take my life away. I’m thanking Him for every day that comes to pass.
I’m not designed to be in Melbourne, to be in Victoria. I know that one day soon, I will be off to a new state or to a new country. I don’t know when or how but I know that soon I will be flying out with only a one way ticket. I cannot wait til that day comes but for now I am going to live each day preparing, each day in His presence learning to know His voice, so when He says Go, I will go.
I stare out the window of the plane, one second ago it was completely dark now the sun is slowly rising. Pink, orange, purple, blue and black filled the sky mixed together as if it was a painting made just for me. How amazing is God’s creation, how unique and wonderful. We are flying through the clouds, wow.
“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thankful. Blessed. Forgiven. Loved.
There are so many things I could include and write about but this is what needed to be shared.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1