This is going to be so hard to write but I like to keep it real. 100%
A picture of my future was laid out in front of me when I was 13 years old.
It Was Nothing.
I saw absolutely nothing. I couldn’t see myself get past the age of 18. I couldn’t see myself do anything with my life. I was destined for nothing. The only thing I really dreamt of or imagined was ways of ending my life. You are probably thinking that, that is a bit gruesome.
When I was really young, I would dream up of the day where I would be walking down the aisle by myself, in a short white dress (because long dresses are too girly and I also just wanted to be different). In primary school, my teachers would often tell us to write about our future, where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted and what job we were going to have.
Oh how easy that was, I wanted to live in Drouin on a big farm or somewhere near a beach, 2-3 kids and I wanted to be a teacher, just like nearly everyone in my family.
My mum’s parents and my mum’s family are Christians. My grandparents were the ones who told me about God and would play Christian songs to me. For me, being “Christian” was just this thing that people said when they believed in God. So I have always believed in God but I didn’t have any sort of relationship with Him. I just used to pray for nightmares to go away and that I could be pretty. He was pretty much just Santa for me. I would just ask and ask for things.
I fell in the trap that I had no purpose. I had written my story out for myself, I had written an end date.
I truly believed that I had no hope. No future. No friends. I truly believed no one actually cared. After many years of people telling me that I had no friends, I believed it, I thought everyone around me was just there because they either felt sorry for me or was just pretending to actually like me.
Fast forward to now, I have made it past my 18th birthday, I have gone around places sharing my testimony. I have been able to connect with people who have had similar experiences to me and be able to share the love of Jesus to them and how He took me from where I was at to where I am now. He rewrote my story, my story has become His story. I have been to places I would never thought I would go and I have done things I never thought I would do. I remind myself everyday that I am still breathing and I am still alive. I have a tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist to remind myself that my life has not ended and that my story is not over yet.
I have this strong passion to be able to just share my story with people, to show how God breathed life in me. There are so many people in this world who think their life is meaningless, that they are worth nothing, that no one loves them and it hurts me so deeply thinking about it. Every time I think about all these souls that are just breaking and hurting, every part of me aches.
Your story is not over; it is so far from being over. You have purpose, you are priceless and you are so deeply loved.
What many people don’t know is that being a Christian doesn’t mean everything in life will become perfect and it doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt. If everything suddenly became perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus in our daily lives. God never promised us an easy life but He promises He will carry us through the hard times.
Coming back from Darwin, I have been challenged greatly, and it has only been a week. In the past week I have literally gone downhill. I had relapsed in self harm and I have been really quick to getting angry and have lost a lot of patience. For me, being ‘home’ after being in such an amazing spiritual space, I get so lost in this battle that I don’t even need to fight because Jesus has already won. For this is not a battle against flesh and blood (Eph 6:12). I will not dwell in my troubles and I am not going to feel sorry for myself but instead I will dwell in the love that God has for me, I will rest in His hands for He is my shelter, my rock and my shield.
“I’m an empty page
I’m an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark
Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write Your story on my heart” – Write Your Story, Francesca Battistelli
He knew my name before I was even alive. He has made me something out of nothing.
He knew YOUR name before YOU were even alive. He has made YOU something out of nothing.
“I’m not meant to just stay quiet
I’m meant to be a lion
I’ll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I’ve got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
Something out of nothing
He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure…
I am loved” – He Knows My Name, Francesca Battistelli
Everything I declared about myself, everything everyone has declared about me has been erased. My story isn’t so tragic anymore, I didn’t become another statistic. I will be like a tree-still standing tall through a storm.
I just want you to breathe for a second. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, feel the air fill your lungs and exhale. You are alive. You are alive and you have purpose. Your story is far from over. You are not worthless and you are not pathetic. In fact you are special, you are loved, you are chosen and you are forgiven. No matter what you have done in your past, it is okay. God never stops thinking about you, His love for you is so much more greater than you think. Don’t hide from Him, let Him define you, let Him rewrite your story. You are enough and you are not forgotten. Jesus understands your pain, He knows what you are going through right now and He wants you to know to just let go and cling to Him. You are not alone.
“‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming” – Out Of Hiding, Steffany Gretzinger
‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ‘ John 3:16
“In our culture it is seen as a sign of weakness to actually seek help from someone else. And yet, as Christians, God designed us to need each other – He designed us to lean upon the body of Christ for support, prayer, wisdom, and even practical help.”
― Leslie Ludy,
You are not weak asking for help from people. This is something that I have had to learn. I always feel like I am not supposed to ask for help, that I shouldn’t even feel the way I feel sometimes. But God didn’t create us to be alone and to do life by ourselves. Yes, give it all to God but also seek help from people who can support you.
God created the heavens and the earth, He created all things in creation, even You. So don’t think for a second that you are not here without purpose.
Next week I will be off to Sydney for another incredible experience! I will be keeping you all informed of everything!