I’m desperate. 

Desperate and hungry.

I’m desperate for God, I don’t want to be comfortable. Comfortable people don’t need God but desperate people do. After coming back from Sydney, I lost so much motivation… Once again, the comedown was so real and hard, now you may be lost right now, why am I using the word comedown in this. After a person has been intoxicated by drugs and start to get quite attached to the drug, so when it is decreasing or removed from the blood they tend to start to experience a comedown where you can get irritable, tired, depressed, anger, withdrawal and such which then they go back to the drug to help them feel somewhat normal. Whereas for me, the comedown after my high at Colour Conference, being in the presence of God with thousands of women, I couldn’t find myself going back to seek God and being in His almighty presence. Having depression for so many years, these feelings made me comfortable because I was used to feeling down, upset, tired, angry and so on but I still wanted to feel God with me but I had no energy to seek Him. I couldn’t do it at all and so I was angry at God. I was angry at everything around me, everything that was happening, and if you read my blogs regularly you would have noticed I didn’t post one last week, I couldn’t do anything that I usually love doing. 

There was something going on inside of me that was getting in the way, I just didn’t know what was stopping me… I was comfortable. And when you’re comfortable you don’t want to leave, you want to be in the same spot forever. So having these feelings, I was comfortable as that is what I am used to feeling. One night last week, or the other day I cannot remember when it was but I was arguing with myself about how this isn’t me anymore, I can not be comfortable feeling the way I am feeling, I needed to be desperate to reach God, to go back to Him and sit at the feet of Jesus. 

It’s been 2 weeks since Colour Conference, and so this past week I have just attended Planetshakers Conference, and I was desperate to encounter God like I have never encountered Him before. Once you have tasted what it is like to be in the Kingdom, you just want more of it, you want to never leave God’s presence. When I don’t spend time with God, it’s like I can’t breathe and I go back to my negative thinking and bad habits. I cannot get enough. Planetshakers Conference was just life changing, on the last day I encountered the Holy Spirit like never before, there was this fire inside of me, burning so ferociously and I was overwhelmed. For so long God has been telling me to “let it go” blimey, let what go? Sometimes we hold on to things and we don’t even realise that we are still holding on to it. 

I let go of the hurt, I let go of my physical addictions, I let go of wanting validation from people, I let go of my old life, I let go of my emotional addictions, I let go of anger, I let go of forgiveness, I let go of wanting to prove myself, I let go of trying to fit in when I wasn’t made to fit in and I let go of the enemy’s lies.

Desperate for Jesus, desperate for more of Him.

I am not going to pretend the enemy doesn’t exist because the devil is real and he will do anything to attack anyone, and he has done his work if people are comfortable, because if people are comfortable you’re not going to dig in deeper to God. The devil will do anything to attack you and bring you down. he will feed you lies about your identity and about your future. he is going to bring up your past and make you feel terrible about yourself, he is going to make you think about every mistake you have made and make you focus on how worthless you are if you can’t do something simple. he loves to play games and distract you. Distraction is one of the biggest things the devil likes to do for me and sometimes we can get distracted by our mission or by ‘good’ things. When Peter walked on water in Matthew 14, he had his eyes upon Jesus, but as soon as he took his eyes off Jesus, he begins to sink and that can happen to us, as soon as we lose sight of Jesus we start to sink and stumble and that is what the devil does, he will do anything to make you take your eyes off Jesus. You need to be so desperate for Him everyday.

Joshua 6 has been coming to my mind a lot lately, the Fall of Jericho. The people in Jericho were scared of the Israelites so the gates of Jericho were shut completely. God told Joshua to get his men to walk around Jericho once a day for 6 days quietly while 7 priests march ahead of them carrying a ram’s horn blowing into it and then on the 7th day walk around it 7 times and when the priests give one last blow of the horn, then everyone is to shout as loud as they can and the walls will collapse. Can you see that I have written the number 7 a few times, so 7 in the bible means completeness and perfection. So God wanted them on the 7th day to walk around Jericho times so Jericho could collapse and they could charge in there and destroy everything. Reading this story again, it has opened a lot of things up. Maybe things right now aren’t lining up for you, and you just feel so lost, you gotta march around those walls in your heart, what ever is stopping you from accessing the Kingdom, you gotta march around it and then SHOUT, give God all you have, give Him all the praise even if you don’t feel like it because at times when you don’t feel like doing anything, you need to just praise Him and worship Him with every part of yourself. Shout as if you have already received His promise, His blessings. 

‘“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!’ John 14:12-14 

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. ‘ John 14:27 

‘I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”’ John 16:33

So I was just so desperate for God to just really reveal Himself and His power to me the whole conference. So I was just worshiping, giving God every part of me, giving Him thanks, and as I have said above that I felt the fire of the Holy Spirit fall upon me and it was just burning, and then pastors were going around touching people, letting the fire of God fall upon people and I fell. The power of God was so unbelievable but just like in Acts when Jesus sent the advocate the Holy Spirit to fall upon the believers on the day of Pentecost. 

Without Him I am nothing but with Him nothing is impossible. 

God is already with us every day of our lives, He is with us wherever we go. We have the Holy Spirit living in us. So when being desperate for God, I just want more of Him and to be so intimate with Him. 

In my life I have been desperate for so many things, things that just made my mental health worse. Desperate for approval, alcohol, weed, cigarettes, desperate for a good body, to be liked by everyone but as soon as I let go of those things and sought God I am just desperate for Him because of His love, His grace, His forgiveness, He fulfills me and He is the only thing I need to be happy. 

Will you receive His overflowing love right now? Will you receive His grace and forgiveness? Will you receive what Jesus had done on the cross?
‘“For God loved the world so much that he gave. his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16
God had sent His only Son to die for you, so we can have access to the Father through Jesus Christ our Saviour. He died so we can have everlasting life, so we can do works greater than Jesus did, so we can be forgiven of our sins, He has redeemed us and calls us righteous, He died to break the power of sin, so the power of sin can be dead to us (Romans 6), He has given us freedom so what else can we be desperate for if this is what Jesus has done for us, we should be so desperate to see more of Him to be so intimate with Him so we can grow in our faith and grow in our walk with God, we should seek the Kingdom of God first before ourselves, for if it is God’s will He will give you everything you need. 

Thank You Father for giving us life, for sending Jesus to this earth to take the punishment upon Himself that we all deserve, thank You for forgiving us and giving us a new nature and calling us as Your own children. May Your Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. We are the sons and daughter of the almighty King and I praise You Lord for never letting go of us, even when we run far away from You, You are still calling for us and You have never given up on us, just like the good, good Father You are. You have done so much for me, so much for so many people so you will continue to provide for us. You won’t turn back on Your promises Father and I praise You for that. When I am weak, You are strong. All nations are going to know Your name, all nations are going to be so desperate for You and Your Kingdom. Thank You Father for loving us so much.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen


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